Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday season!

xoxoxoxo

Always In My Heart

In loving memory of my mom - Judy, who lost her battle with breast cancer 14 years ago tonight.

May she rest in eternal peace, far away from the suffering she endured during the last months of her young life.

Judy Lynn Leece ~ May 1, 1957 - December 19, 1992

Hi, my name is CC, and I have OCD at Christmas

I think I have seasonal OCD. If that’s even possible.

For reals.
I cannot stop making people open the Christmas gifts I got for them early. It literally drives me crazy, I can’t even stand it.

If the person I bought the gift for is near me, I bug them and bug them to open it up, open it PLEEEASE, please pleeease open it, open it right now, omg you will die, OPEN IIIIIT!!! I’ll be so happy if you open it!!! YOU’LL be so happy if you open it!

Oooopen it! You could use it RIGHT NOW!!!

If you don’t open it, I swear to gawd I’ll scream.

JUST! OPEN! IIIT!

It’s impossible for me to control. Not to mention I drive these poor souls nuts while I obsess myself right out of my skin.

And then what ends up happening is I go shopping again to replace the gifts that they have already opened so that they have something to open on Christmas. It’s costing me a bloody fortune, I swear. I’m up to almost 2 grand already this year.
I know, right.
Eff sakes.

WTF is this all about exactly?
It’s the same thing every year, and every year I swear I won’t do it next year, but as soon as I have a gift wrapped and ready to put under the tree, I NEED the recipient to open it.
It drives me mental. No joke.

So the only solution I can think of is to stay away from the people I bought for until its Christmas day in order to control myself.
Which sucks, because I want to see my g/f and friends before the weekend.
But it may very well be the only answer.

I wonder if I should see a doctor about it in the new year?
It’s the one and only thing that I cannot control, and I just can’t seem to not do that on Christmas or on ppl’s birthdays.

Maybe I really am a bit cracked after all.

Well, it has put me in the giving mood at any rate, and I am feeling pretty effen festive this week.

Now if I can just hold out until Monday before I pressure anyone else to open their gifts early.

Perhaps I should put the remaining gifts in a safety deposit box…

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Humbuggery

Holy Canolli it’s been a busy week!

Work’s zooming along at a ridiculous pace, and I haven’t gotten off before 7pm once this week. Add to this Christmas shopping during my lunch hours because I have no time at night to do it, forgetting to eat, and late bed times, and blam - I am running on empty kids.

This morning I am just out of it - I can’t think, my brain is on overload. Trying to follow through with one complete thought is proving difficult, but the good news is it’s Friday.
Thank eff.

In other news, I’m in kind of a funk over a conversation/misunderstanding that I had with Sandy yesterday about the time spent vs. exhaustion factor in both our lives lately. I won’t go into too many details, but it ended up that one of us took it the wrong way and got overly upset about it.
Bah.
I am in no mood for fighting with anyone right now - life is just too hectic as it is.
It’s also the Christmas season, and there is nothing worse than having relationship difficulties over the holidays. I really hope we can mend this rift fairly quickly and easily, but having said that, I know it’s going to take some adjustment and understanding on both our parts to deal with this new dynamic.

We shall see.

It seems that despite best intentions (in both life and love), nothing is turning out the way I envisioned it, and I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed right about now.

Here’s hoping the weekend remedies this ick I am feeling today.

Every Now & Zen

I’ve been reading a book on “Everyday Zen” casually for the last few weeks, and although I don’t necessarily aspire to become a full fledged Buddhist beyotch, I am finding some of the ideas in it very logical.

The problem is applying them to everyday life in the urban jungle.

Ideally, you are advised to sit in “sesshin” for at least 15 minutes a day in complete silence and focus on nothing.

Which sounds easy enough, but apparently takes years to master.

I believe it, because I’ve tried it twice in the past week, and have yet to break the 1:23 minute mark.

It’s very interesting actually - you get a good idea of how your emotions, fears, anxieties, and selfishness affect your thinking. Which in turn become your actions and face in the world without you really noticing it.

At first, you notice how your legs feel in the sitting position, the grumbling of your tummy, the beating of your heart, etc.

Which is exactly what you are supposed to be thinking about and noticing and feeling.

But then, the chatter starts.

What’s on the to do list, who pissed you off at work, the anxiety over Christmas lists and activities, the bills, your weight, hair color. Have you been getting enough excercise?

Did you check the mail? Did you send the mail?
The thought of your favorite dessert enters your mind. Your mouth starts watering, and then you start talking yourself out of having it because it won’t help your weight concerns in the least. But you can bet it'd be good...mmmmm.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

All of this seems to occur about 50-60 seconds into the zazen practice of sitting and just being.
And that’s where the lesson and answers to your life apparently are.

I’m not convinced, but am definitely interested in learning more about the philosophy.

I know it won't be an easy feat, because I am a typical type A personality, and must have everything in order and under control all the time. That requires a lot of thinking and internal chatter!

I'm thinking maybe it's time to loosen up and relax a bit though - enjoy the moment instead of contemplateing the next million moments ahead of me and how I have to have an action plan for all of them.

Like I said, I don’t plan on becoming a monk and moving to Tibet or anything, but I would like to find a way to have a bit more inner peace in the midst of this crazy busy reality we are all a part of.

This zen philosophy basically implies finding a way to disconnect in order to reconnect.

Makes sense to me...

I think it’s probably pretty good for your overall health and sense of well being.

Go Shorty, It's My Birthday

Welp - today's the big day folks. The big 3-0. Oy!

And now, some pics from Saturday's debauchery:

The beginning of the evening:

Sexy bitches:

Ummmm...

Curtis and me, lolling as usual:

The kick ass cake:

Me and Mel:

Me & my boys:

Hammered, obvs:

Sandy and her daughter, Jackie:

My older sis, Angie:

And finally, light's out:

Woot! I had so much fun with everyone, it was great.

As for today, I'm not planning on doing anything too crazy. I've been slammed at work, so I may even have to work late tonight, but all's well. Saturday's party was MORE than enough fun for this old lady for a while I reckon.

Sandy's going to make me dinner tonight, and perhaps a nice massage...ahhhh. Sounds like a great birthday evening to me...

Anyways, back to the grind.

Have a fab day everyone!

I Think I need A Liver Transplant

My birthday party on Saturday night was a total blast! All of my fave ppl were nice enough to stop in and watch me get completely sloshed - I heart my friends ;)

I think I must have had about 12-15 vodka and gingers, numerous shots of tequila and sour puss by the time it was all said and done.
Good lord was I hammered.
In fact, I have no idea what time we left or the drive to Sandy’s afterwards! I sort of remember a friend of ours coming back home with us, but I didn’t stay up to visit. Seems I had decided to call it a night as soon as I walked in the door, and promptly got on top of Sandy’s bed, fully clothed, and passed out in my winter jacket. I woke up like that at 4:30 in the morning wondering wtf.
Must have been a good one.
Sandy was nice enough to snap some pics of me passed out in that state too - how sweet. I'll post some shots from the night later this week.

I couldn’t get out of bed until almost 3 yesterday afternoon for eff sakes; man, I was in rough shape. I’m still a little rough around the edges today - gah.
It was worth it though. I don’t imagine I’ll party like that again until I’m at least 40 ;)

ANYWAYS.

Besides being too drunk to remember portions of the evening, I had tons of fun hanging out with everyone.
Sandy got me a really cool cake with a DJ and turntables on it - one table said turning, the other said 30. The DJ’s hair was even similar to mine - twas tres cool.
It seems the music theme went hand in hand with a gift she gave me later; a super awesome Ipod 4GB nano with a separate speaker system to dock with if I want to use it as a stereo at home.
Effen rights! I’ve wanted an Ipod for ages! I can’t wait to load it up tonight after work when the battery is done charging.
WOOT!

Thanks for coming to celebrate with me everyone, and I apologize if I said/did anything stupid or offensive after about 10:30. I plead the fifth on everything from then on…

Happy Monday all.

T.G.I.EFF

Well kids, turns out I was right about the “lead” of my department. Survey saaays…he’s an asshole.
To summarize, yesterday during a break in our meetings with the Venezuelans (the one and only that he showed his face at all week), he followed me into my office and proceeded to scream his displeasure at me.
He said their ideologies and procedures were “SHIT”, and that they are communists with no sense of “good faith”.

Hoookay then. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

My project manager came in and this idiot repeats his drivel again, says the proposal is ass backwards, and then promptly walked off the project.
Pretty much the same thing he did to me last year at the beginning of my stint in scheduling.

That’s not the worst of it either. The Venezuelans were in the coffee room which is right beside my office. And they heard everything that he said.
Nice.

Anyways, I went and talked to my boss and said he was an idiot and I didn’t want to be associated with that kind of behavior.
Unforch, fuck stick had beat me to it, and had gone and told my boss that there’s no value added in my working on this project, and that I won’t learn anything. So my boss was of the opinion that I should be pulled.
I was like EFF THAT!
I am more than fine with this and would like to stay on with no further input or interaction from the idiot.
I also said he should be talked to about his embarassing outbursts and general pessimistic attitude. I doubt anything will come of that, but hey, I voiced my concern.

So that’s it - case closed.
I’m on my own with this, and I am happy about it. I don’t need that kind of BS around me. Being associated in any way with him will only serve to make me look bad.
I honestly don’t think he wants me to succeed, I swear.

BUT ANYWAYS.
Enough of that. Thank fuck it's Friday.

So I’m totally excited about a pre-birthday party bash that Sandy put together for me tomorrow night at a bar that a friend of ours owns. I think the last time I had a real b-day party was in elementary school - for serious.
I am not usually one to get amped about birthdays - I usually like to keep it pretty quiet.
But not this year! No sir. I’m turning 30 for the love of it all - that’s major.

I’m going to party til I can’t stand anymore tomorrow night! One last hurrah to blow the 20’s out the door…should be good times.

I'm not actually turning the big thrice until this coming Thursday, but will be celebrating this weekend because next weekend is going to involve work, moving offices to another building, and of course...Skybars big Christmas bashtacular! Weee!

For all of you attending tomorrow, I am super excited x a gajillion to see you all, and I know we’re all going to have a blast. Have a few drinks, some laughs, some general debauchery, and just enjoy the company.
Sounds like a great night to me…

Woot!