Pieces Of Me

Today is the last day of August 2006.

It’s cold and rainy outside, and you can feel autumn knocking at the door. The sky seems…different. The air is suddenly a little more brisk, and a little less friendly.

Makes me think of a great John Mayer lyric from Something’s Missing:

When autumn comes,
It doesn’t ask.
It juts walks in, where it left you last.
You never know
When it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart.

I usually do a lot of self reflection in the fall, mainly precipitated by events that I experienced in the summer. This year, it feels a little different.
I feel a little different.

I am not reflecting on the summer much this time, mainly because it was quite a bad one for me personally, and I am not left with warm, fuzzy Coppertone lotion scented memories of lazy days and fun filled nights.
This time around, it seems the summer was a means to an end for me. To what extent I am still not sure.

I think it became a turning point of the entire year for me. It seems I have done a lot of changing and growing so far this year, and in turn my values and perspectives are very different from what they were a year ago.

The puzzle pieces that have historically fit for me in the past now seem bent, weathered, and torn. Like they were forced into the slots where they were originally placed.
What does that mean?
Well, I think my puzzle has evolved into something much different. It almost seems that it is a brand new puzzle altogether! And the pieces are not yet in place, but are strewn about the table, waiting to be placed in their respective slots and grooves.

Although I am somewhat unsure and a little frightened of the challenges that are no doubt ahead of me, I am also excited to figure out day by day, which piece fits where.

This is uncharted territory for me, as I have historically hung onto things and habits that were familiar – whether good or bad.
But that obviously doesn’t work for me anymore. I wonder now if it ever really did?

Did I force those pieces into my puzzle? Is that why it’s become so warped and torn?

I wonder...

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

It has recently been brought to my attention, albeit from a questionable source, that I suffer from 3 specific conditions:

1. I need to be right about everything.
Now, I am all about looking at other people’s perspectives on this one. Be brutally honest with me why doncha.
If you know me in any personal capacity, I would appreciate feedback on this because if it is in fact a trait I possess, I would like to fix it on the ASAP.
Cuz there’s nothing more irritating than a know it all.

My view: I do not consciously put much effort into ramming my points down people’s throats. In fact I feel that I am rather cautious about discussing my personal opinions with other people, unless I feel that they are open to hearing my views or out right ask for my advice.
I am very much a thinker, and can often be found pondering all aspects of a situation instead of just my own so I can see all angles and come to a logical conclusion.
I do not think there is a finite right or wrong in most things in life…therefore I was kind of stunned to hear that I come across as one of “those people” that always has to be right, no matter what the cost.

But I could be wrong…gawd knows it’s happened before. I am open to anyone’s interpretation.

2. I am driven by my ego. (Latin derivative meaning “I”)
Wow.
Still shell shocked by this one.
Once again, I am all about looking at other people’s opinions on the matter.
I have never heard this term used in describing any of my character traits, but that’s not to say it hasn’t been discussed without my knowledge. Sometimes we really are the last to know things about ourselves.
I am willing to hear the straight goods on this one – I’ll admit it would be disheartening to hear/read. Because I have always believed people are people…no greater no less.
But if I am an egoist, I would like some hard truth from the outside world on this one, because quite frankly, I wouldn’t like myself very much if it turned out that I really was all about me.
I’d get to work on fixing it immediately.

My View: I cannot remember a time in my life when I felt better than anyone else.
I cannot remember a time when I condoned that behavior in other people either.
I have a deep rooted belief that we are all the same creature…material, wealth, power, IQ…is all external. None of it matters much in the end in my opinion – mind you none of it really matters in the present if you look at the big picture, but that’s just my view.
I try my best not to judge others too harshly for their life circumstances, because I have not walked a mile in their shoes, and therefore am no authority on the matters that I have never experienced myself.
Well these are MY thoughts…again; I could be way off base.

3. I am unrealistic.
Now this one in particular made me do a double take. Reason being, I have often been called too realistic for my own good.
Indeed, sometimes that has taken the wind out of some people’s sails throughout my life. Especially when they are excited about a plan that they have pinned their hopes on, but have not actually sat down to figure out the logistics of it.
I have usually been that person…the list maker, the pros and cons chart developer, the estimated time per task figure-outer, the financial planner, etc.
Yeah…that person.
I’m sure I have annoyed more than my fair share of people with this approach, I can admit that.

My View: I think I am very realistic.
Sometimes too much so for my own good.
Anyone that knows me will tell you that I am notorious for being unable to act spontaneously. I have a terrible habit of considering any plan/decision to the very last detail in order to decide if it is a wise choice.
I need to plan ahead to make sure the end result is worth it. I need to consider every avenue.
Is that the definition of realistic? Unrealistic? I am not sure.

I know it shouldn’t matter what other people think of me, and for the most part it generally doesn’t. I try to live the best way I know how in order to sustain happiness and peace.

I guess I am just concerned that I may be putting out these vibes without realizing it. And if so, I would like to correct it.
Because there’s nothing worse than striving to live your life by a certain set of values, and then being told you are having the opposite effect on others and the world in general.

Thanks for listening.

Hands Down

My latest - "Apparitions"

Attention: Everyone Remain CALM

I have been experiencing a foreign sense of calm these last few days.

It’s NICE for a change.

I think I have come to a big conclusion in my life, and really feel comfortable with who I am becoming. The funny thing is I have consciously tried to reach this point for years, and in the end, it just gradually happened.
Maybe this lends a bit of credibility to the reason/timing for everything belief.
Could very well be…

I guess the most important thing I have learned up to this point is that we have to live our lives striving for what makes US happy. Not other people. Because it seems to me that if you spend all of your energy trying to please others, you eventually find yourself feeling lost and unhappy.
Where is the reward or satisfaction in that? Why sabotage yourself? There are plenty of elements in people and the world that want to do that to you as it is…

I think it’s really important to take care of yourself and follow your instincts (morals/values). It’s certainly not an EASY thing to do, but I think it is absolutely crucial for self contentment. And if you’re not happy with yourself, how can you be happy or healthy in your social or intimate relationships?
You really can’t be, and I think that’s all it comes down to.

Life certainly is strange.

We all grow and change, and that’s what it’s supposed to be all about.
I suppose the lesson is to do it with a good sense of who you are and what you want, and perhaps life’s shit storms will be a little less frequent and easier to bear.